It’s Panda, Miss Dementia If You’re Nasty

The Screaming Octopus Waterproof Vibrator is another toy I received from Sex Toys. I’m going to hold off on telling you about my experience with the toy until I give you the specs -

- It is a 1.5″ tall “personal massager.”

- It is waterproof.

- It is made of… ? Neither the website nor the box specify what material it is made out of, but it is some kind of flexible, jelly-type material.

- The motor is in the head of the tiny octopus, with a push button on the very top to turn it on. There is only one vibration setting, which is actually fairly strong for such a small motor, and the vibrations are the most intense at the tips of the tentacles.

- There is a 2″-ish length of stretchy jelly attached to the top of the octopus, to be used for… I really have no idea.

- The toy can be purchased for $17.86 over at TheirToys.com.

Now for my personal experience with the Screaming Octopus -

When I first got this toy, I was skeptical of it for two reasons:

1) I think it’s creepy when any sex toys have a face.

“Why would you want to banish me to your nether regions? I’m just a poor, helpless octopus!”

2) This toy is racist. No seriously, look:

You see how in the 2nd bullet it says “use on her for gentile external stimulation”? So apparently only Gentiles are allowed to use this toy on their external parts. Sorry, Jews, this octopus isn’t for you!

Seriously, though, whether that is supposed to be “gentle” or “genital,” it’s spelled wrong and as an English major/teacher, it makes me VERY skeptical of the product and the company that puts it out. Then again, down at the bottom (which is cut off in the picture above), it says it’s made in China, so I guess it’s just another example of Engrish Funny.

*ahem* Moving on…

The Man gave me a hand in testing this product and tried running the “tentacles head to toe for a tingly massage,” only to leave me yawning and a bit annoyed. So, yeah, that didn’t work. He then teased my clit with it, and teasing it did, but even when pressed down hard on my clit and rubbed in the circular pattern that usually gets me off quickly, the Octopus failed to deliver. I became impatient with the lack of zing from the Octopus fairly quickly, so I made The Man toss it aside and get down to the REAL business.

So, what was my opinion of the Screaming Octopus? Well, it left me screaming for something else to finish the job when it couldn’t. Though it may work ok for foreplay, I think it’s a shoddy toy, certainly not worth the $17.86 that TheirToys is charging for it, and I really don’t think it’s worth anyone’s time.

Also, I’m a little disappointed with the information, or lack thereof, that is given on most products on TheirToys.com. Some have information about materials the toy is made from and the dimensions and such, but a lot don’t. Both of the products that I have reviewed for them thus far haven’t had any information, either on the site or on the package of the toy itself, as to what it was made of. Both of the products have also seemed to have been of poor quality. As such, I will no longer be reviewing for TheirToys, but keep your eyes open for more reviews from Adam & Eve!

The breakdown:

Positives: Good for foreplay, waterproof

Negatives: No idea what it’s made of, vibrations are not strong enough to get me (and I suspect most other women) off, weird face judging you when you use it, overpriced\

I give this product 1 out of 5 Happy Bamboos.

Disclaimer: I have a material connection and receive products, as in-kind payments, from TheirToys.com for review.