It’s Panda, Miss Dementia If You’re Nasty

The Violet Vertical Vibrator was wholly disappointing. To demonstrate why, I’m going to go through the description that Adam & Eve provides for this product and tell you how each claim fails.

- “A supple heart-shaped base lets this vibrator stand up on any flat surface.” Yes, the base could be considered “supple,” but the vibrating bullet that fits inside the base STICKS OUT THE BOTTOM, causing the base not to be flush and causing the vibrator to stand at an angle.

- “The ultra-flexible and soft ribbed shaft bends easily to handle hard thrusts in any position!” Yes, the 4.5″ long & 1″ wide shaft IS flexible, but it made it feel like I was fucking a limp cock. I want my dildos like my men: rock hard and ready to pound me! *sigh* Also, the ribs are TOO soft. So soft that I could barely feel them inside of me.

- “The heart-shaped raised detail on the base is perfect for clitoral stimulation.” Umm, no. Just NO. This detail may be raised, but minutely so. Seriously, it’s barely raised. Even if it WERE raised enough to come in contact with my clit, though, the base is such a thick plastic that the vibrations are severely muted by the time they get to the nub. Even with my finger pressed to the nub, I could barely feel the vibrations.

- “This vibrator is like getting two great sex toys in one – use the bullet vibrator in the base and ride it for amazing g-spot stimulation, or take out the bullet and go after intense direct clitoral stimulation!” Ok, a few issues with this: 1) the dildo doesn’t touch the G-spot at all. It’s not AT ALL formed properly to hit it. 2) The bullet isn’t powerful enough to make me cum OUT of the plastic, how in the hell are the vibrations going to be strong enough to stimulate my G-spot (if the toy actually hit my G-spot) after travelling through all that plastic? Complete fail on both counts.

- “The pink and purple remote is comes with ribbed grips on either side, so no matter how wild your play gets, it’ll stay put!  Then just turn on your vibrator and click the remote’s trigger to cycle through 7 orgasmically good functions!” Yes, the remote is pretty cool. It’s a very unique remote, with one button for On/Off and a “trigger” to change the vibration functions. It also lights up so you can see what you’re doing in the dark. “7 orgasmically good functions,” though? Yeah, that’s a huge laugh. 7 functions, yes. FAR from orgasmic, though. Like I said before, the bullet is so lacking in power that it didn’t even get me close to orgasm.

Not good, right? Well, in case you didn’t have the energy to read through all of that, here’s the RECAP:

Pros: Cool & unique remote with “trigger” and it LIGHTS UP! It’s waterproof and easy to clean. Oh, and it’s purple.

Cons: EVERYTHING ELSE.

So, because this product was worthless but is redeemed just slightly by it’s remote, I give it a 1.5 out of 5 Happy Bamboos.

Disclaimer: I have a material connection and receive products, as in-kind payments, from Adam & Eve for review.